collective musings

flare

You carefully stepped over

my tattered stuffed animal

as you have each morning this week

never questioning its placement

on the living room carpet

of our one-bedroom apartment

I try not to disturb your peace

as you soundly sleep

every night bundled in sheets

when the hour of existential dread

beckons me to leave your side

I take the animal by mine

we travel the long journey

across the hall in the dark

to our spot on the carpet

and release muted cries

every night I decide to leave it

with hope that you’ll notice

the flare that was released

I have no other signals.

I used to cry next to you.

Your sleep just deepened.

June 9, 2024

breakup, dating, heartbreak, love, mental health, perspective, poem, poetry, trauma
Apprentice

I had to leave,

because pieces kept falling through

gaps of outstretched fingers, from areas

where you began chiseling me anew.

I had to leave,

because eventually you placed

a wooden handle in my palm, without worry

of me splintering from edges frayed.

I had to leave,

because when I sensed your dissatisfaction,

I turned the blade toward myself in a futile attempt

to grasp onto your affection, or perhaps attention.

I had to leave,

because when you noted my willingness

to apprentice you, your smile widened

and your eyes darkened with a relentlessness.

I had to leave,

because with your saccharine direction,

I began shaving,

I began chipping,

I began gouging,

I began breaking myself.

I had to leave,

because when you saw the battered pile

of the former me, unidentifiable rubble,

your eyes went cold with the last drop of vitriol.

We had to leave,

because there was no more of me to destroy.

February 28, 2024

breakup, dating, heartbreak, love, mental health, perspective, poem, poetry, trauma
Does it please you?

Where your eyes wander and linger.

A pause, but only when you require.

The motion and intensity of your lips.

The hunger in your expression.

The pace and force of your hands and hips.

The reflection in the mirror I built,

does it please you?

January 18, 2024

dating, love, mental health, mirroring, people pleasing, perspective, poem, poetry, trauma
a tragedy

sometimes I hope for a tragedy

just a small one

nothing catastrophic

nothing fatal

just tragic enough

to be reason enough

to ask you to come

January 10, 2024

depression, heartbreak, love, mental health, poem, poetry, trauma
Algorithmic Therapy

They answer lingering questions trapped in my mind.

Ones never able to escape the barriers constructed around my lips or fingertips.

Whether their words have citations or capitalist intent matters not.

Unveiling my delusions for all to see,

grind my feelings until they turn to dust and return to the earth.

I trust their asynchronous account of us.

This is the only perception of us that remains.

The intent behind your words or actions,

reality was forfeited with your abrupt departure.

January 9, 2024

algorithms, breakup, dating, heartbreak, love, poem, poetry, reality, social media
a joke

it was never a joke

when you said my friend was hot and laughed

it was never a joke

when you said you found someone

it was never a joke

when you told me she was nineteen

the same age as me dad

October 17, 2023

complicated, dad, family, healing, poem, poetry, processing, relationships, trauma
Understudy

I watched the play the other day

Where the leads remind me of us

He has your eyes

She has my smile

You know the one

The one where he feels trapped by his family

The one where she finally stands up for herself

The one where he loses her, for the same reasons you lost me

The one where he gives up the life chosen for him

The one where he forges his own path, despite his fear

The one where he fights

The one where he chooses her instead

The one where at the end I remember the truth

We only rehearsed the lines together

You were only ever the understudy

Reading the lines in secret

September 26, 2023

acceptance, breakup, circumstance, dating, heartbreak, love, love lost, perspective, poetry
Anemia

i thought nothing of the spinning room,

until I jumped to greet you

i thought nothing of my pallor,

until you laid your eyes on me

i thought nothing of my brittle hair,

until it broke at your touch

i thought nothing of my rapid breaths,

until I failed to catch up to you

but now, i can’t help but notice

the blood refuses to fill the imprints you left on my skin

September 25, 2023

breakup, dating, heartbreak, love, poetry, situationships
socks

it is my mistake

your daily use

i mistake for affection

you conceal my envelopment daily

as i warm your cold skin

i cling as you peel

discard me beneath your sheets

as you settle down

kick me away from your touch

dirty

used

thinned

holed

i wouldn’t surround myself in me either anymore

September 16, 2023

breakup, dirty, discarded, heartbreak, love, perspective, situationships, unwanted, used
settle

i accept fragments

slivers and mirages

of you

in the ones who came after

in them

in him

found my favorite pieces of you

but tell me why

I crave your sharpest edges

their fingerprint cuts

September 10, 2023

breakup, dating, heartbreak, love, mourning, poetry, settling
talk

I wanted your thoughts

to work through

together

dreamt of a future you had dismissed

pen and paper in hand

I looked into your eyes and realized

I was ill-prepared for your perspective my love

where I found obstacles, you had found a wall

September 8, 2023

breakup, dating, end, hope, love, perspective, poetry
thank you

For reminding me I can feel.

For encouraging me.

For making me smile.

For sharing your story.

For seeing me when I tried to hide.

For touching me like no one else.

For offering hope.

For planning a future.

For breaking your promise.

For realizing I would have never broken mine.

September 6, 2023

breakup, dating, heartbreak, love, situationship
trying

Three rows stitched.

Fatigued and numb.

One paragraph written.

Exhaustion and apathy.

Sincere invitations.

Alone in bed and rot.

Limbs intertwined under sheets.

Annoyance and messages unread.

Five-year plan.

Emptiness, but made it through today.

September 6, 2023

depression, emptiness, mental health, trying
broken barricade

It was all you could see when you walked closer, towering over you and me.

Calm and determined, you had arrived.

Closer you came.

I watched through the crack formed by lonesome apathy.

Your brown iris met my blue.

I backed away.

Closer, you came.

Invaded.

My back pressed against the wall, I watched my toes flex.

The last one hadn’t made it this far.

Light illuminated my bare feet.

A small hole chipped by the one who came before.

I hesitated as you sang.

The one who came before sang softer.

The louder your words grew, the tighter I clutched the key in my pocket.

The song stopped.

I panicked, pulled out the key.

I slid it under slowly and peaked through.

Your eyes did not meet mine.

Instead, your eyes met stone.

It took you a moment before you saw the key.

It’s rusted, battered metal.

You grabbed it.

I watched you take in the expanse between us again, key in hand.

Intrigue shifted to anticipation, anticipation to hesitation.

Our eyes met again.

Sadness I think, as you slid the key back to me.

September 4, 2023

dating, heartbreak, love, poetry, situationships, trauma